sunday

i have never felt so alone in my whole life.

my mother is going crazy and on the verge of abandoning me and running off to another country to start a new life

my father is in china having a fling with some whore

my sister is running around in san francisco with her new coworkers having sex with everything and completely ignoring our family crisis

i am stuck in the middle taking call after call from my mother, who is usually sobbing and asking me to save her.

my father ignores my email telling him if he does not respond in 24 hours i will never speak to him again. it has been 25 hours. apparently he doesn’t care.

i wonder if death would be less painful than this.

 

my friends come over and i hear them laughing downstairs, and it is like we are not even living in the same world anymore. i go to sleep early every night just to make the pain stop.

and i am only yours..

‘Let me be your angel’
Tiffany Evans sings-no, more yells- passionately into the mic. I am staying up late and watching ‘Late night at the Apollo,’ which is not a clever move on my part, as i am supposedly waking up early tomorrow for another long drive.

i want to be somebody’s girl. i want someone to look at me and think, ‘that’s ___’s girl.’ i want someone to lean in towards someone else, glance at me and whisper, ‘that’s ____’s girl.’

for once in my life i’d love to be defined by my belonging to someone else. i want that person’s strength and their persona and their character and THEIR identity to define me, a part of me, forever bound, our identities intwined in our love and belonging to each other. 

i want to be loved. i want others to see me and know that i am loved. i want others to see me and know that i am loved by the one i love, and that he loves only me- i am exquisitely taken and i only hold his attention and his affection, and behind closed doors and beyond prying eyes they know that only I see the intimate sweet moments. i want people to look at us and only dream of imagining the softness of our private time, which we would hide in public, visible in only momentary glimmers, a soft glance, a quick smile, a brush of the hands and lingering gaze.

i want girls to look at him and know that he is mine. i want to go to bed and snuggle up to my pillow and catch the coconut scent of my hair, and know that this scent is his and i am his and this sweet fragrance floating carefully into the fibers of my pillow are woven in there for only him. i want to wake up in the morning and brush that mascara sparkle into my eyes and a pink stain onto my lips so that others may see how beautiful i am being his, and how i am beautiful and yet only his- i am beautiful for only him. 

‘People do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness’ -Breakfast at Tiffany’s
And how could they not? And how beautiful it is, to relinquish your independent identity for the love of another, for a few sweet months at least to be intwined with that person.

‘I’d gladly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity.’ -India Arie.

 

<photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/avp17/>

my dreamy friend

It’s her hair and her eyes today
That just simply takes me away
And the feeling that I’m falling further in love
Makes me shiver, but in a good way

All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips, bats her eyes
And she plays with me sitting there slack jawed
With nothing to say

Cause I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Coz she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again

It’s a masterful melody
When she calls out my name to me
As the world spins around her
She laughs, rolls her eyes
And I feel like I’m falling but it’s no surprise.

Cause I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it’s frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But I’d rather be here than on land

Yes she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again.

wouldn’t it be a beautiful thing.

I need change, i want to appear suddenly in the middle of Thailand with a basket of green mangoes in my arms and a crowd of the native people flowing around me like a colorful river. 

the dirt swirls and the sun blazes with a passion you just don’t see in America anymore, and just as i catch the scent of some strange spice on the air, i am whisked away to the peak of a snowy mountain. perhaps the Appalachians, or the Scottish highlands, the Austrian Alps. the air is so sharp it bites, clouds form from my mouth and melt away into the piercing blue sky. 

I want to stand in a dark corner at a local bar in downtown Barcelona and watch the passionate dance and nightlife of the Spanish underworld. my eyes will be smoky with dark shadow and my restless fingers with fiddle with the sequins in my skirt. 
If i close my eyes hard enough, i’m there- sitting cross-legged on the white shores of the mystical Maldives, the crystalline waters rushing up past my waist, warm winds flowing over my skin and through my hair the way it did in Maui when i forgot my own name.

I have another midterm tomorrow. it’s 5am, i just had one too many cups of coffee and i can’t sleep.. even if i wanted to. but i don’t want to. my bed has too much crap on it. i’m feeling far too lethargic to even attempt to clear it. 
my roommate has disappeared, fiesty Latina minx. off somewhere mixing it with the bad types, having a ball, sleeping over with boy from 2nd floor. something like that, or something.

 

<photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/sergei24/>

get it goin’ on

i think too much about life. that’s why i’m always coming up with ten cent revelations like “cling on to every second” and “live in each moment.” the truth is, the things i think about are just flashes of intense profoundness and meaning, and they are hauntingly beautiful and bittersweet moments, timeless and endlessly frightening.
it always happens when i’m alone and with my ipod, listening to some bittersweet unearthly song like Closer-Goapele, or Breathe-Tristan Prettyman. i walk the dog alone at night when the sunset is just barely fading, and i sit on a bench facing the bare stretch of lawn in a small clearing, and i torment myself and reminesce over the beautiful moments i had in the campus park as a freshman, feeling so free and careless, with nothing but the dark night around me, my ipod, this expansive field of grass stretched out before me, the campus glowing in the distance. 
the sun sets over this little condominium community.. and if i squint my eyes hard enough, it’s almost like i’m back there again, and the air feels cool and the night surreal and i’m in the middle of that park again. instead of dark little trimmed hedges at my side there are the bold blooms of tigerlilies, and instead of this little lawn there is a dark blue field running endlessly before me, like my whole life full of dreams. it feels like i’m spinning, and a dark night lit wildly with stars whirls and dances above me, and it’s almost like i’m back there again. my dorm sits snug and warm in it’s corner of the community on the opposite end of campus, and i can make my way back there whenever i wish. 
my suite is lit up, people have propped their doors open and i can hear laughter. my room is there, too, warmly glowing and overflowing rest and comfort. i never thought i’d ever have to leave that place, it feels almost like it never happened, i can’t believe i once took it for granted, living there.

“the path is long, and i’m moving closer to my dreams” goapele sings, and i see a winding road to my right, reflecting the sun’s fading rays.. and i see how short life is- this moment i’m in will soon be whisked away and lost. right now, about to embark on my sophomore year in college, it’s only a short glimmer, all the troubles i’m feeling now, my problems and stress, my emotions and anxieties, looking forward to a trip to Taiwan, sadness over holly leaving, everything. it’s but a short glimmer in a long life that passes too quickly. soon none of it will matter anymore and i’ll be moving on towards other things, my dreams, everything i’ve ever hoped for in my life. i have so much ahead of me, and yet i’m so caught up mourning over the best times of my life that have already passed. i want to, i want to always look ahead and not dwell in the past, but it seems like it will only make life go by faster, and i couldn’t bear to miss a moment.
i think too much. i’m walking back towards home, doots trailing along behind me. i’m walking down a tree-shaded path littered with patches of fallen cherry blossoms, and the sky peeping out under the branches is fading and colorless. i see my dad’s car parked by the street before me, and i get another profound flash, and for a split-second i’m completely bared in that moment, and i’m aware of everything, that very second of my dad’s car parked there, and i’m about to be a sophomore in college and this moment will never happen again. i’m going through life as though i’ve already lived it and i’m already reminiscing over moments that have barely happened. i can’t stand it, living life like this. i wish i didn’t think about life so damn much, but somehow i couldn’t bear it even more to be ignorant.
no more Closer-Goapele, or Breathe-Tristan Prettyman. i need more “Alive Again-Cher” in my life.

thanks, ipod. reminding me always of how much i have yet to look forward to..

‘I only want to keep the storm from rolling, i only want to learn to feel the rain.. then maybe i can stop the leaves from falling, i only want to learn to freeze the flame..
I know i’ll be Alive Again,
I want to be Alive Again’

Remember when we used to blast that song when ditching friday cell group, marie?? god, that was so exhilarating, thinking back on that. those were our first moments of liberating rebellion, when it seemed like it was just us against the world..

<photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/wyendrys/>

sleep

i wish we could all choose our own ways of resting. why do we all have to SLEEP? it’s so tame, it’s so boring. it’s so uniform.

and yeah i’ll admit i’m completely fucking addicted to sleeping.. but if i really had my own choice.. i would choose to go driving every night. no lying dead remcycle for me, thanks.

“i never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death.” -nas.

if nighttime drives were my rest i would rest early every night. i would climb into my heart and literally feel the day melting off of me.
i meant to type “car” but my fingers formed “heart” instead. hah, that’s how much i love jane.

my rest would be me and the car and my music, the windows rolled down, filling my car with the sweet coolness of the night. filling my lungs with the air between two stars.

every night would be like a journey into my soul. and every night would be infinitely more beautiful than the most alluring of dreams in sleep. the feeling of boundlessness and freedom would be like a euphoric drug; the hum of the engine and the beats emanating from my speakers would bring me more comfort than any down blanket enveloping my body. 
and there would be swirling stars to guide my roving path, and perhaps a warm hand to hold.
and every breath that escaped my lips would be a dancing cloud of joy and release. 

my heart would stop racing, but beat steadily, and slowly, with sensual rhythm. lashes framing clear eyes like a crown. 
there would only be clarity. there would only be music. and the rushing wind.