computer blog from last summer

one of my favorite scenes from garden state is at the very beginning, when zach braff’s character (i forget his name), is on an airplane and he fantasizes about horrific mid-air plane collisions. 

except he finds the possibility of one surreal and somewhat exciting. i always though he was a bit twisted. 

 

right now, i’m flying from san francisco to taiwan on a rather turbulent flight- the fasten-seatbelt sign has been on for the past 3 hours. and according to the lovely blue map on this screen i don’t know how to turn off, we’re currently flying somewhere directly over the Bering Sea. 

every time the plane takes a particularly violent lurch to one side, or a little nosedive that gives you that lovely soaring feeling in your stomach, i find myself fantasizing about not a mid-air collision, but a emergency crash-landing directly into the sea. 

 

WHOA.. that was a big one. the 747 just made like a car going over a big bump in an intersection. 

 

and the weird thing is, the thought of one actually occurring doesnt incite much fear in me. i envisioned myself much like zach braff’s character did in his fantasies- calmly serene and even smiling as people around me scream and toss and papers are whipped through the air. in my fantasy my only concern was for the little asian family sitting next to me, and their incredibly annoying young son who won’t stop whining. i look over at them as carry-on luggages empty their contents into the air and go hurtling over our heads. the mother sits wide-eyed and terrified as she clutches her screaming son. and i feel pity for them, to have to be subject to such horrors just for the sake of my twisted little fantasy. 

 

there is icy-cold wind now, roaring through he cabin, drowning out the noises of human panicking and the crushing noises of the plane being ripped from its seams. 

the wind lifts my hair up around me like a veil, and my hands clasp the sides of my tray-table. i feel like i am in a dream, and as i face a sure and impending demise, the only thought that goes through my head is, ‘..but i’ve never been in love..’ and it’s true, as lame as that sounds, and this solitary thought causes me more pain than the fear of death or the idea of any other regret in my life. and the feeling is too lonesome for me to cry, and even if i wanted to the cold wind has whipped all the moisture from my eyes. and i try to shake off the irony of this cruel existence that deprives me of the one thing people would give up their lives for in their time on this earth..

and then the plane crashes into the Bering Sea with with a noise like all the sounds i’ve ever heard in my life being played at once.. then we are enveloped with nothingness and everybody dies. 

 

 

and then i blink and i’m staring at my glowing white macbook, serene and intact. and i glance around the darkly glowing cabin, completely death-and-destruction free and heavy with sleep. and the little asian family next to me is napping, and their son has finally settled down and shut the fuck up. 

 

the map tells me we’re now veering away from the Bering Sea. and that we’ve only been flying for five and a half hours. so i look ahead in my life and know that there is no fate so cruel that awaits me. and i feel mildly disappointed. but i suppose i should be glad.