get it goin’ on

i think too much about life. that’s why i’m always coming up with ten cent revelations like “cling on to every second” and “live in each moment.” the truth is, the things i think about are just flashes of intense profoundness and meaning, and they are hauntingly beautiful and bittersweet moments, timeless and endlessly frightening.
it always happens when i’m alone and with my ipod, listening to some bittersweet unearthly song like Closer-Goapele, or Breathe-Tristan Prettyman. i walk the dog alone at night when the sunset is just barely fading, and i sit on a bench facing the bare stretch of lawn in a small clearing, and i torment myself and reminesce over the beautiful moments i had in the campus park as a freshman, feeling so free and careless, with nothing but the dark night around me, my ipod, this expansive field of grass stretched out before me, the campus glowing in the distance. 
the sun sets over this little condominium community.. and if i squint my eyes hard enough, it’s almost like i’m back there again, and the air feels cool and the night surreal and i’m in the middle of that park again. instead of dark little trimmed hedges at my side there are the bold blooms of tigerlilies, and instead of this little lawn there is a dark blue field running endlessly before me, like my whole life full of dreams. it feels like i’m spinning, and a dark night lit wildly with stars whirls and dances above me, and it’s almost like i’m back there again. my dorm sits snug and warm in it’s corner of the community on the opposite end of campus, and i can make my way back there whenever i wish. 
my suite is lit up, people have propped their doors open and i can hear laughter. my room is there, too, warmly glowing and overflowing rest and comfort. i never thought i’d ever have to leave that place, it feels almost like it never happened, i can’t believe i once took it for granted, living there.

“the path is long, and i’m moving closer to my dreams” goapele sings, and i see a winding road to my right, reflecting the sun’s fading rays.. and i see how short life is- this moment i’m in will soon be whisked away and lost. right now, about to embark on my sophomore year in college, it’s only a short glimmer, all the troubles i’m feeling now, my problems and stress, my emotions and anxieties, looking forward to a trip to Taiwan, sadness over holly leaving, everything. it’s but a short glimmer in a long life that passes too quickly. soon none of it will matter anymore and i’ll be moving on towards other things, my dreams, everything i’ve ever hoped for in my life. i have so much ahead of me, and yet i’m so caught up mourning over the best times of my life that have already passed. i want to, i want to always look ahead and not dwell in the past, but it seems like it will only make life go by faster, and i couldn’t bear to miss a moment.
i think too much. i’m walking back towards home, doots trailing along behind me. i’m walking down a tree-shaded path littered with patches of fallen cherry blossoms, and the sky peeping out under the branches is fading and colorless. i see my dad’s car parked by the street before me, and i get another profound flash, and for a split-second i’m completely bared in that moment, and i’m aware of everything, that very second of my dad’s car parked there, and i’m about to be a sophomore in college and this moment will never happen again. i’m going through life as though i’ve already lived it and i’m already reminiscing over moments that have barely happened. i can’t stand it, living life like this. i wish i didn’t think about life so damn much, but somehow i couldn’t bear it even more to be ignorant.
no more Closer-Goapele, or Breathe-Tristan Prettyman. i need more “Alive Again-Cher” in my life.

thanks, ipod. reminding me always of how much i have yet to look forward to..

‘I only want to keep the storm from rolling, i only want to learn to feel the rain.. then maybe i can stop the leaves from falling, i only want to learn to freeze the flame..
I know i’ll be Alive Again,
I want to be Alive Again’

Remember when we used to blast that song when ditching friday cell group, marie?? god, that was so exhilarating, thinking back on that. those were our first moments of liberating rebellion, when it seemed like it was just us against the world..

<photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/wyendrys/>